“…Moan…”
“Are you well, Mr. Temperance?”
“Hunh? Oh, yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, it’s just that since we find ourselves stranded on this voodoo-drenched Carribean island, I thought it might be a good idea to practice acting like a mobile corpse, cause it’s looking like we are up to our armpits in dead folks walking. My suspicion is that they’re wanting to snack on our gray matter.”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, for I fear that if you, I, and our compatriots are not successful on this escapade, the entire planet could be threatened by cadaver cataclysm, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, and don’t let the singing and dancing fool you. This here adventure is full of scary circumstances, Ma’am, and that’s a fact!”
Targeted Age Group:: Teen and up.
What Inspired You to Write Your Book?
I wanted to have a VooDoo adventure, and have Caribbean island VooDoo zombies, as opposed to zombie apocalypse monsters. This is the sixth book in the series and with each book I have become more silly. This manifests itself as the enslaved zombies chant dirges as they march about their duties. With each passing book, there is more music, singing, and dance.
How Did You Come up With Your Characters?
I am heavily involved with indie professional wrestling. All of the characters are based on close friends in the wrestling industry. A real life police officer friend is a recurring policeman in the books. The villains are my friends wrestling personas brought to life in literature.
Book Sample
“Mr. Temperance, there you are! I have been looking all over the hotel for you. I was most dismayed when you did not arrive at my door to escort me to breakfast. I found myself most famished after our exertions from last night. Mr. Temperance? Are you listening to me, sir?”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
“Very good. As you were not at hand to attend my morning meal, I proceeded without your accompaniment. I then went to search you out. Did you know that you are a difficult man to locate at times, Mr. Temperance?”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
“Yes, well, I was unable to locate you at the firearms merchants, the steam-carriage distributors, nor the blacksmiths. I know I must have visited a dozen or more hardware stores inquiring about you. Did you know that I was unable to locate you at any of these, your normal places of haunt and entertainment?”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
“Indeed, sir, I sought you out at various chemysts, alchemysts, and apothecysts. I finally thought to check the hotel basement and here you are.”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
“I was wondering, could you offer an explanation for your, what some may construe as rude, if they did not know the person involved, behaviours?”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
…
“Mr. Temperance, I am awaiting that affirmed explanation.”
“That’s nice, Miss Plumtartt.”
“I am sure that the piles of notes around you are very absorbing and I do hate to interrupt your thought processes, but I do so wish that you could tear yourself away just long enough to look up from your frantic scribbling to grant me a glancing moment of eye contact?”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
…
“Mr. Temperance?”
…
“Mr. Temperance?”
…
“That’s nice, Miss Plumtartt.”
…
“I see. Perhaps I shall inhale, drawing in breath until my head swells to the size of a Montgolfier balloon. At that time I should expect it to burst like some grotesque pinata, releasing thousands of storks, toucans and parakeets with a billowing bouquet of colour in flight. Would this be a fitting spectacle to draw your attention from your studies, eh, hem?”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
“Oh, splendid. Now I am not impelled to hold my breath until hordes of winged apes are forcefully ejected from my posterior, eh, hem?”
“Uh, yes, Ma’am.”
“That is just delightful. I go now to shed all my clothing and to ride as Lady Godiva through the streets of Los Angelos. Doesn’t that sound nice, Mr. Temperance?”
“That’s nice Miss Plumtartt.”
-slam!-
{Attention BookGoodies Patron: Editors Note: Persephone goes on to have several pages of adventures before resuming this excerpt. ~Icky.}
I enter the dusty low-ceilinged room to find the chap exactly as I left him some eight hours earlier. The difference is, he actually notices when I come in.
“Howdy there, Miss Plumtartt. Are you ready for breakfast? I gotta admit, I’m startin’ to get mighty hungry.”
“Breakfast, Mr. Temperance? At this hour?”
“Why, as I check my pocket watch, I see that it is still only eight o’clock. I know it’s a little late for breakfast, but I’m sure the hotel will still accommodate us.”
“Yes, Mr. Temperance, true, it is eight o’clock; however, it is eight o’clock P.M., not A.M.”
“Eight o’clock at night!? Gee whiz, does that mean you ate breakfast without me?”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance. Breakfast, lunch and dinner.”
“But what about me? I’m hungry!”
“My word, I should think you would be, sir. I tried to get you to accompany me earlier but you refused to pay me the slightest amount of cognizant registration. I must say, I did not care for this inattention. Tell me, just what is it that has focused your thoughts and desires to such a degree, sir, that you do not notice the passing of an entire day and its complement of meals?”
“Oh! Yes, Ma’am! I have been working on a very exciting scientific process. Miss Plumtartt!”
“Indeed. A stupendous new invention that will change Mankind forever, you say, eh, hem? And what is this Grail you seek?”
“Paint, Ma’am!”
…
“Paint, Mr. Temperance?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt! I got an ideer for a new kinda paint!”
…
-sigh- “Tell me about your paint, Mr. Temperance.”
“Well, I ain’t got none yet, Miss Plumtartt. It’s just a little theory I’ve been kickin’ around. Ya see, it’s all on account a me bein’ so fond of cheese, ya see.”
“Cheese, Mr. Temperance?”
“Yes, Ma’am, I sure ’nough gotta powerful craving for cheese, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I ain’t never met a cheese I didn’t like. Well, last night, after we got that ol’ Sku Le’Bizzarre feller squared away, I was looking up at that big beautiful Moon hanging over the city. I was wishing I could just reach up and grab me a hunk o’ that Moon cheese.”
“Moon cheese, Mr. Temperance?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Moon cheese. Don’t tell me you didn’t know the Moon was made of cheese? I thought everybody knew that! Any ways, I was wantin’ me some o’ that there Moon cheese something awful. Well Ichabod, I said to myself, if you want it so bad, why don’t you just go up there and get some? Well, Ichabod, I answered myself, I just may do that.”
“Moon cheese, Mr. Temperance?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, but there was just one thing holding me back.”
“And what is that, Mr. Temperance?”
“Gravity.”
“I see.”
“Yes, Ma’am! That’s where the G.N.P. comes in!”
“G.N.P., Mr. Temperance?”
“Gravity Nullification Paint.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Well, it’s just an ideer, but I’m a thinkin’ that if I could make a paint that renders the object painted, in effect, invisible to gravity’s clinginess, I could paint up a carriage and why I could just float on up there and eat all the Moon cheese I wanted… Hey, where you going Miss Plum…”
-slam!-
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