“Gee, whiz, Miss Plumtartt, these here are sure enough an odd assortment of characters you and I have run up with.”
“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, and at the risk of disclosing any ‘spoilers’ for our dear readers, I suspect that we have allowed ourselves to fall into the clutches of a Nosferatu brood.”
“Nosfer-who-who?”
“Nosferatu, Mr. Temperance, undead fiends that gain sustenance be slaking their unnatural thirsts on the manna of the living.”
“Oh my Goodness! You mean we are prisoners of a bunch of bloodsucking Vampyres? That’s terrible!”
“Quite, but what is even more troubling is my suspicion that they are brewing a conspiracy that could threaten life at every level all over planet Earth!”
Targeted Age Group:: Teen and up.
What Inspired You to Write Your Book?
I wanted to write a whimsical Vampyre story and pay humorous homage to my favourite Vampyres and Vampyre slayers. As it turns out, it is an opportunity to be friends with many of these charming personalities.
How Did You Come up With Your Characters?
I chose a few of my favourite Vampyres from film and television to be my cast. I am sure that there are many delightful blood-suckers that I neglect to include, therefore I apologize to any Vampyres, or Vampyre slayers that feel slighted at being left out.
Book Sample
“Ha, ha! Then let us not delay! To the carriages! One, two. I count two carriages to carry our ten member party away to our ship, ha, ha!”
“Hey there, Count Onyx’Ula, you need to slow down your stride for Miss Plumtartt, sir.”
“That’s quite all right, Mr. Temp…”
“Shut-up both of you and follow me. Hurry up, everybody and let’s…Gulk-snap!”
Our esteemed colleague Count Onyx’Ula’s head is knocked sideways with the edge of a black boot at the end of the leg of the man that has leapt upon us from the Admiral Bennebowe Inne’s entrance awning. This is a most grievous blow, even to the inestimable Count Onyx’Ula. The humans are quick to counter this surprise attack, but the surprise attacker’s counter-counter is even quicker as he lashes out with his leg in a squatting and spinning maneuver that drops the two mortal males designated Temperance and MontelKahn most heavily to the sidewalk.
“Count Sezami, might I suggest that we kiss off our fudge-favoured foe and cordially sit this one out. Why not let the obligingly combative humans deal with this curiosity?”
“Ha, ha! Count me in, my dear Count ChauckOolaux, ha, ha!”
“Is it not amusing how the burly little tweed covered chap,…?”
“A Scottish electrical engineer, my number one, caramel coloured count, by the name, ‘Pol Steele’.”
“Thank you, my enumerating friend. I knew I could count on you. Your accounting, by all accounts, is unaccountably incalculable.”
“You flatter me, Count ChauckOolaux.”
“Nonsense dear fellow, you flatter me, Count Sezami. As to the humans and their ongoing struggle and quarrel with our ninja like onslaughteruer, I was going to comment, is it not amusing how the burly little tweed covered chap…”
“Ha, ha, Pol Steele.”
“…Pol Steele has tackled the ambusher to the ground in a heated flurry of punching, gouging and other scurrilous behaviours. The fanged attacker flings the friendly fighter far. This has all given ample opportunity for this mechanical companion of the company to step in and grasp the unfriendly fellow that has set himself upon us and now quite easily holds him aloft above his head.”
“Attaboy, Mr. Cogito!”
“Si, it seems our clockwork friend is able to hold this fellow up as well as he did Count Onyx’Ula, earlier.”
“Jolly good, Mr. Cogito! Well done, sir, rather, my word, yes, indeed, I say.”
“Thank you, Madame, it was nothing, I assure you. Now my rowdy friend, please calm yourself for I am afraid that my grip may inadvertently do you an inSKRR-BZ#CR@P!%X$&#W^_vG!!!”
“This I do not count as something to make light of Count ChauckOolaux! Our ebony enemy emissary has elected to enlist an eclectic electric device to disrupt the dynamo-driven tin-man’s electrodes.”
~kon-kuh.~
“Now he is flat on his back!”
mnk, mnk, mnk “Is he completely, electrically motivated?”
“I believe he is only a small part electrically motivated, Count. He is primarily a spring driven device. The greatest amount of electrical use is in the device’s head. This attack, though, is enough to render the device, inoperable.”
“Cheers!”
“Ah, the dreadful little human from Alabama has finally delivered on the flying sidekick that he missed with in Rio de Janeiro.”
“I punch your face, si!”
“Who is this tall mortal with the light toffee tone to his handsome features?”
“Ha, ha! He is a Spanish hydro-engineer, my bon-bon ami, ha, ha. He may be of noble heritage, and therefore a bit more palatable to deal with than the others I think, my Count ChauckOolaux. This one is designated, Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn.”
“Thank you, Count Sezami. It seems that he is a formidable fighter! Alas, not to the point of being able to defeat this savage beast for the ‘goodie, goodie’, if you know what I mean, has knocked the great fellow down with a decisive spinning kick to his cleft jaw.” mnk, mnk, mnk “But look how this has allowed the little fellow with the unfortunate backwoods American accent…”
“Ha, ha, Temperance.”
“Thank you, Temperance, has slipped back, in a sneaky manner, to stand directly before the black brute while at the same time, shooting his left hand straight up and around the back of his head. He does so in a way that allows him to latch his left arm around the brute’s head, forcing the fearsome fellow’s face down. This frontward facing headlock is secured by the spunky little human’s right arm. Hello, what’s this? Now Temperance seeks to further exploit his position by hooking the black clad black man’s left arm over his own head and by jumping forward while simultaneously giving the fellow lift at the hips, tries to leverage the onyx oppressor over his head!”
“Once again, the fellow counters the human. This is easy to see, for we are a formidable species, I must say. In any case, the interloper has now grape-vined his own leg around Temperance’s to foil his throw. As they are both locked together in the same manner, the capable crusader sans cape is now able to reverse the situation by leveraging the American inventor straight up into the air for a dramatic moment. I count two moments. Three! Three dramatic moments of holding Ichabod Temperance straight up in the air and upside down do I count before the holder jumps high up in the air to drop the unfortunate human heavily to the sidewalk, flat on his back.”
“Oh, that has to hurt, Count. It will probably even leave a mark.”
“Oye nae likes ye’ hurtin’ a friend o’ mine ye’ horrible fiendie! Oye let ye’ off easy baefore. Git ready for a Gordie dress down m’laddie!”
“Bring it, Scotty.”
“Awra!”
“Ha, ha! Count ChauckOolaux, just look at this human, Pol Steele, go! He now stands toe to toe, trading blow for blow with this foe de foe! I am amazed! Ha, ha!”
“I agree, Count! The Scotsman’s tenacity and ferocity are delicious!”
“Ha, h-oh. No, I am afraid that he goes down in defeat, as well. Perhaps the human Dr. Xen Xum Xng would like to get involved? No? Miss Plumtartt? Maybe you will be able to prove capable of defeating this gentleman by utilizing your parasol with deftness and derring-do?”
“Hey girlie, you wanna try poking me with that parasol again, you just go ahead and try it.”
“‘Girlie’ you say? No, no, that will not do, my most adamant adversary. The name is Plumtartt, Miss Persephone Plumtartt.”
“I’m taking you all down.”
“Eh hem, yes, well, as you might roguishly put it, sir, ‘bring it’.”
“Say, you handle yourself pretty good, Persephone, but you are way out-classed in this fight.”
“Oh pooh, if I had something more substantial than a parasol with which to defend myself against that weighty sword of yours, I could very well make a better account of myself. As it is, I find myself disarmed and at your mercy, eh hem?”
“You’re a pretty one, lady, but you are on the wrong side.”
“Please sir, I wish you would give me a chance to explain our position.”
“The company you keep plainly shows where your loyalty lies, sister. Sayonara.”
The Plumtartt girl is able to dodge several sword swings that each intend to bring her brief mortality to a swift ending. She stumbles and will surely be unable to dodge this next swing.
“Arrividerci, baby.”
The strike of death is altered in its course. Instead of slicing the Plumtartt girl into one, two, two halves, the trajectory of the sword turns to carry its wicked wielder in a velocity soaked spin to land heavily on the ground. The antagonist’s right hand is manipulated in such a way that the right arm forces its owner to comply with the one holding the grip. The wrist wrangler applies his knee as a fulcrum to the compliant fellow. This is supplemented by the point of the gentleman’s own sword that he has irresistibly surrendered being rested point first against his jugular and the butt of the hand of the sword’s new owner poised to thrust his weight, such that it is, down upon the heavy blade.
“Well done, Dr. Xen Xum Xng, I say. I cannot thank you enough.”
“Ohhhh, please to think nothing of it, Miss Plumtartt.”
“Uhhh. I’m, comin’, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Uhhh.”
“There is no hurry at this juncture, Mr. Temperance, please take your time. Now, my aggressive friend. I think we may have been hasty in joining combat with you. I suspect that you are of an order that does not seek the blood of the righteous. Tell me sir, do you not sense that we are of like allegiance?”
“But your association with these Counts and this WrenneFeyldde creature, I assumed…”
“Ah! You assumed! And here lies the crux of our problem and the solution to our quandary, do you not agree, my friend?”
“It does not happen often, but I think I may have made a mistake, lady.”
“Oh, my word, I am so delighted that we have been able to clear up this little misunderstanding. Dr. Xen Xum Xng, I think you may release our new ally and return him his sword.”
“Heh,heh,heh, h-h-h-Vhat are you doing? h-h-You can’t do this! I order you to slay that man immediately! You must return with us! This is most inconvenient! Henh!”
“No, I am sorry, Mr. WrenneFeyldde; I feel no fidelity nor loyalty to you, I am afraid. As it appears that our forces are all recovering their sensibilities and their feet, er, I say, could a few of you help Mr. Cogito to his feet, please? I am afraid his inability to stand from a position on the ground is a dreadful design flaw that we have not been able to overcome. That’s it, very good, my friends. Now then, I am sure you gentlemen will understand if we commandeer the two carriages for ourselves. We leave the injured Count Onyx’Ula to your care.”
“I am afraid this development is sour milk in our cereal, Count Sezami.”
“Ha ha! We are struck with the proverbial pop quiz for which one is unprepared, my dear Count ChauckOolaux, ha, ha. Your actions are irrational, Miss Plumtartt!”
“Heh,heh,heh, h-you can’t do theese Meess Plumtartt! Henh!”
“Oh, I am afraid that I can, I am, and I have. Toodle-loo, gentlemen.”
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