Immortal Divorce Court Volume One: My Ex-Wife Said Go to Hell by Kirk Zurosky
Sirius Sinister keeps sleeping with the wrong women. And this time, it’s led to his imprisonment in Hell. Literal Hell. Immortal vampire assassin Sirius Sinister has a healthy libido that constantly results in bad relationship decisions. But when he’s served divorce papers by Bloodsucker Number One—a shady woman from his past—he realizes there’s a major problem: he was never even married to her, or so he thought. Regardless of the truth, Sirius is put under the jurisdiction of Immortal Divorce Court. You would think by now he’d know having sex can lead to horrific consequences like marriage, children, and ex-wives—but some habits just won’t die.
Targeted Age Group:: Over 18 Audience
Heat/Violence Level: Heat Level 4 – R Rated
What Inspired You to Write Your Book?
I have practiced law for over twenty years, and most of the time what we do isn’t all that exciting. But, every once in a while the reality of what we see in court is indeed stranger than fiction. Immortal Divorce Court evolved out of my experiences as a lawyer, and my going through a rather long (nearly immortal!) divorce. It led to the premise of what zany things could happen if you were a powerful and supposedly superior immortal, but made really bad relationship choices. And, not only were you dealing with being taken to Immortal Divorce Court by your slighted paramours, but also making some dangerous enemies, and great friends along the way.
How Did You Come up With Your Characters?
The most rewarding part of writing Immortal Divorce Court was crafting a universe where the characters are so very relatable! As an attorney, I have met plenty of real-life characters, and I am essentially in the business of relationship management. I talk with people on a daily basis with different backgrounds, viewpoints, and experiences, and my job is to find a commonality to communicate together to solve the particular problem. The conversations I have had with close friends and family about life and relationships have also contributed to the real-life relationships in Immortal Divorce Court.
Book Sample
I watched in absolute horror as a rainbow formed over Bloodsucker
Number One and rained down a shower of gold. My gold! She shrieked
in delight as the coins cascaded on the table, rolled off her clutching
hands, and pelted the inert Martin in the face. I struggled against the
chains that bound me, but they were clearly a match for any immortal.
I stopped struggling as Bloodsucker Number One’s golden shower
ended, yet I was the one that just got pissed on, and that just made me
pissed off! I vowed that I would have my revenge, but this nightmare
was not quite over.
“Mr. Justice,” the Head Magistrate said. “I will hear you on the
adoption issue.”
Justice rose to his feet and kicked a gold coin out of his path. He
exhaled slowly and was instantly composed. I wish I could have said
the same about myself, but my anger was seething to a nearly uncontrollable
breaking point. Contempt be damned, I thought.
“Your Honor,” Justice said, “ fraud is the word of the day.” He shuffled
through my gold to stand in front of Martin and Bloodsucker
Number One. “They were having relations before my client signed
the adoption certificate. It was a scam, a fraud, a devious plan to take
money from my client.”
Feminera rose slowly. “Your Honor,” she said, “you can adopt anyone
you want. There are no constraints on age, gender, race, or carnal
relations. Sinestra could have actually read the adoption certificate he
signed and contested it. He did not. Or he could have hired legal counsel
way back when to contest it. He did not. And clearly Martin is in
need of support.”
The Head Magistrate nodded. “You know that she is correct,
Justice. This adoption is valid.”
“What?” I screamed. “How is that bloody possible?”
The Head Magistrate turned his steely gaze at me and raised his
gavel. “I have had enough of you, Mr. Sinestra.”
“Wait, Your Honor,” Justice cried. “My client does not have to support
Martin for he is dead!”
Bloodsucker Number One collapsed in a well-practiced fit of hysterics.
“My son, my son,” she wailed, throwing herself on Martin’s lifeless
corpse. “Oh, my poor son, you were taken too soon!”
“Oh, please!” I yelled. “Will someone shut that woman up?”
In the commotion, the clerk had scuttled over to Martin and nodded
to the Head Magistrate, confirming that Martin the Navigator had
indeed dearly departed the courtroom. “I am going to shut you up, Mr.
Sinestra,” the Head Magistrate screamed. “I find you in arrears!”
“I am a rear?” I exclaimed. “Well, you, Your Honor, are a gigantic
ass!”
I only understood what transpired next after I saw Harvis again,
and he filled me in on the details. After I left Harvis’s farm via crystal,
Garlic had howled once in her frustration, but then apparently scented
me. She did not leave the farm but scoured the premises with her nose
to the ground, looking for what, Harvis did not know. A few days later
Harvis was doing some work in the barn, and Garlic snuffled in, her
nose leading her to the crystal that I had dropped. She gulped it down
and disappeared. “Curses,” Harvis had exclaimed. “That cannot be
good.” There was an audible pop in the courtroom as the Head Magistrate’s
gavel struck the bench, and I found myself gagged. Garlic leaped up on
Justice’s table and gnawed the gag off me. The deputies descended to
try and catch her and received some lacerations for their troubles. The
Head Magistrate struck his gavel again, and tiny chains came up from
the floor, threatening to entrap the Maltese, but a few well-aimed barks
disintegrated the chains, and she was in no danger. She bounded to
and fro and could not figure out how to free me without injuring me.
The court guard entered the courtroom, and Garlic’s bark was of no
use against their riot shields, which merely absorbed the bark’s energy
with no consequences. Garlic found herself backed into the corner and
leaped to the Head Magistrate’s bench.
“Garlic, stand down,” I called.
Head Magistrate Gulth Scorn whirled to look at the vampire
Maltese that had dared take up residence on his desk, then his dark,
soulless eyes found me. “Mr. Sinestra, I find both you and your dog in
contempt. I sentence you both to fifty years.”
Garlic snarled at him and squatted on his desk. “No!” I screamed.
“Garlic, no.”
Garlic proceeded to let the Head Magistrate know what she
thought of his order. He grimaced at the steaming Maltese excrement
on his desk. We had just enraged the Great Decider, and the Breaker
of the Bold was now going to break us! “Make it one hundred years,”
Scorn said. “Case dismissed. Now get these ingrates out of my sight!”
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