ONCE UPON A TIME…
Chapter 1. A California girl named Barb met her prince of a guy. He was tall, dark, and handsome. (Actually, he was a Republican. But he was definitely tall.) They fell in love, and got married.
Chapter 2. He brought her to his castle in England and they lived happily ever after. THE END**
**Luckily, 35+ years of living happened between Chapters 1 and 2, giving Barb plenty of material for this collection (in no particular chronological order) from her newspaper columns, articles, blog posts, and that time she killed Mom.
And that’s before Chapter 3 even starts.
“I have learned to put down the coffee and place breakable objects at a safe distance when a post from Barb Taub comes up. It is very hard to drink coffee and laugh at the same time without redecorating the desk…”—author Sue Vincent
“I’d recommend this book to anyone without hesitation. Eau d’baby puke indeed!” —Andrew Joyce, author of best-seller Redemption: The Further Adventures of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer
“Anecdotes that beg to be read. You could read it in one go (has anyone ever actually died laughing?) or keep dipping in and out. It lends itself to either. But whichever you choose, eating and/or drinking while reading is not advised, as several people have found to their (and their appliances’) costs.”—CathyR for Between The Lines Book Reviews
Targeted Age Group:: Adult
What Inspired You to Write Your Book?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi were talking about when life begins. The priest said: “Life begins at conception.” The minister said: “Life begins when the fetus is viable.” The rabbi said: “Life begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.”
While this joke has innumerable versions, this is the one Great-Uncle Herbie told when we got married. He and Great-Aunt Fanny also told us not to eat in restaurants with plants (they’re put there to hide something), not to give each other presents with handles, and especially not to not let our kids outnumber us.
Life Begins When The Kids Leave Home And The Dog Dies documents what happened as we broke every one of Great-Uncle Herbie’s life rules. I like to think he would have approved.
Chapter 13: How To Embarrass Your Child
I went to a socially-impaired university. It was a time of revolution and experimentation with sex, drugs, music among kids: in other words, it was just like today. But the University of Chicago’s claim to “The Life of the Mind” reassured parents. Fathers of teenage daughters thought the mind was a lot safer place to live than where they remembered spending their college years, “The Life of the Party”.
We had friends from other colleges who had social lives and arrest records, so we knew what we were missing. And it wasn’t as though we didn’t try. We’d stay up all night or even close out the college’s only bar, Jimmy’s, discussing the eternal questions:
• Is there a God?
• How do you get rid of roaches?
• Who’s got the $10 for the muggers on the way home?
• How can I make the world more fair?
• Why am I here?
I was lucky. I didn’t get mugged (that often); the stitches didn’t scar (much); I did graduate (eventually). And, after all these years, I’ve answered all the questions:
• There is a God and She has a sense of humor. It’s the only possible explanation for Chicago politics and for two-year-olds.
• The only way to get rid of roaches is to move out. Or get a divorce.
• You still need $10 for the trip home because the child who has refused to eat for the whole trip will announce that she is going to die from hunger if you don’t stop at Chez Mac’s.
• I don’t care if it’s not fair: I’m the mother and I say so.
• I am here to embarrass and torture my children.
Amateur parents may be concerned about this last requirement. How could you ever embarrass your children? Don’t worry. Not only will you discover just how much fun it is to mess with their little heads, but you won’t have to actually do a thing to achieve it. As soon as your child turns ten, there will be a few things about you which they will find embarrassing, such as your car, your appearance, your clothes, your habit of speaking to them in public, your very existence…
And if your child didn’t have you to complain about, they might have to fall back on other distractions (romantic partners with facial hair and/or other precociously developed secondary sexual characteristics or enticing vices, for example). To avoid this, it is your job to provide as much anguish as possible. To help you, I have consulted with a panel of experts: my daughter’s sixth grade class. (Her teacher should really know by now not to leave the class alone with parent volunteers like me.) From the students’ vast parentally-imposed embarrassment experience, they produced the following (actual) suggestions:
1. While chaperoning your child’s school field trips, ask frequently if he needs to use the toilet. If he takes too long, stand outside and yell in, “Honey are you okay? Are you having that PROBLEM again?”
2. Whenever her friends are around, tell your child how much you love her. Also, stand up in church and invite everybody to come to her school play.
3. Show your child’s baby pictures (especially the naked ones) to his friends. And be sure to let them know that his nickname was “Droopy-Drawers”.
4. Surprise your child by buying her a practical, sturdy, tastefully-matched and well-fitting wardrobe. Then give all her baggy shorts and holey t-shirts to the Goodwill.
5. Go to your child’s soccer game, even though you know nothing about soccer. Whenever the ball comes near her, yell, “Do that thing with the ball!” If her coaches aren’t mothers, they’ll probably appreciate it if you step in and organize practice yourself.
6. Drive your child around in a van or station wagon with at least two carseats and plenty of graham cracker crumbs on the seats. If you are considering a new car, and your teenager is approaching driving age (which they consider to be any time after age twelve), be sure to get one which is large and slow, preferably gray or brown. If you have a girl, get a very used pickup truck. With a gun rack, of course.
7. Get a volunteer job at your child’s school. Then come into his class and say, “Dear, you forgot to put on clean underwear this morning, so I brought you this fresh pair.”
Links to Purchase Print Books
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Links to Purchase eBooks – Click links for book samples and reviews
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All information was provided by the author and not edited by us. This is so you get to know the author better.