Elias Zapple was not born in 1922, as some would have you believe. His date of birth is not really relevant anyway. What is relevant is that he arose out of a tulip that was growing in some old granny’s garden in Camberwell. How he got to be in a tulip is not really clear, nor is it clear how he got out of the tulip and years later wrote the smash hit musical, ‘Love be a Stranger’, which was an international flop.
After that success, he went on to work as a 19th century Victorian chimney sweep where he was then inspired to write the acclaimed series of books entitled ‘Duke & Michel’. It is believed the fumes from the chimneys did so much damage to Elias that it was a miracle he ever ate a cupcake again.
Later, he time travelled back to the present and went on a series of trips to many foreign and distant lands. During these travels, Elias met and spoke to many interesting people, choosing to ignore all of them. He did, however, learn a couple of things. 1) The earth is flat and 2) You should never eat a banana when it’s not ripe.
Many questions are often asked by his adoring public. Are you human? How many chimpanzees can fit inside a fridge? What is that thing growing on the side of your head? To which Mr. Zapple has always smiled, turned away and swam off into the sunset. He was once bitten by a shark, who was then bitten by a giant turtle who got tickled by a pufferfish, which was eaten by a Japanese man who then died because he had insulted the wife of the Japanese chef who had prepared the pufferfish.
Elias Zapple continues to work towards the unification of Korea and writing children’s stories that parents will spend huge sums of money on. He wishes everybody to know that every penny made from the books will go straight into his bank account, which he will then spend on a lavish, new tent.
What inspires you to write?
My hair often inspires me. When it blows in the wind and I catch my reflection, it’s simply awe-inspiring and I feel utterly compelled to write grandiose literature about it. Quite a lot of my literary work can be found in hairdressers.
However, in all seriousness, my true inspiration is money. Without money I cannot buy the tent of my dreams and peg it down atop of my hill in Mozambique. Therefore, I knuckle down every night and scribble out line after line of hilarity that makes up my Duke & Michel series of books.
Tell us about your writing process.
First, I comb my moustache. This is absolutely vital. Then I stick the kettle on and make a nice cuppa before I retire to my study, get comfy in my orthopaedic chair and prick my finger with a little needle and get scribbling.
For Fiction Writers: Do you listen (or talk to) to your characters?
The voices in my head talk to the characters who then talk to me and tell me exactly what to write. I often ignore them and write what I want. Nobody tells me what to do!
What advice would you give other writers?
1) Become plumbers.
2) Don’t try to become friends with a hungry lion.
How did you decide how to publish your books?
As all my money is going on a fabulous new tent, I am unable to afford to have my book printed and thus was forced to go digital.
What do you think about the future of book publishing?
Haven’t the foggiest but I do know that if it all goes pear-shaped then I shall transport myself back to Victorian London and publish my books there.
What genres do you write?
What formats are your books in?