About the book:
An inside look of what an ordinary “John Doe” caregiver, husband sharing my experiences living and caring for my wife with Alzheimer’s. We have been married 43 years and I am trying to not let go and avoid her shutdown. Writing a diary about the events of the day and expressing my emotions on paper not only helped me ventilate my deepest feelings but helped me sort out how I was going to act differently the next day. Keeping up my diary helped me make new decisions and analyze what I was doing wrong.
Many times I wonder what she is thinking or what her feelings are because now she doesn’t speak at all. Does she know she is not well? Does she know how she was before? Does she remember her past? What I do to help her restore her past.
What about us”, our 43 years of marriage, does she remember that past? She recognizes and knows me well but how far back? Did our marriage begin in 1979 or 2017 when she was diagnosed? I wasn’t sure where I was in her memory or how she sees me, as her friend or husband.
She doesn’t speak at all. She expresses only some sounds and shows a lot of anxiety. What does she want? How does she feel? How do we communicate? How do I talk to her? We both learned how to interact with each other.
My reactions have always been intuitive in my desperate attempts to keep her “connected” with me, family and her surroundings. My experiences and actions in real time “racing against the Alzheimer’s clock” to keep her communicating and interacting every day, even though she no longer speaks, are detailed in my never-ending battle to prevent her shutdown.